Every once in awhile I remember a joke I haven't done onstage in a long time. I'm not big on actually writing jokes out in a notebook as I like to get the general seed of the joke, maybe know where I'm going with it and then write it onstage. I enjoy that and work better off the cuff.
The downside of that approach is that, other than video documentation of my sets, I don't have a catalogue of my jokes and sometimes some of them get forgotten and fall by the wayside.
Here are a few I haven't done in quite awhile...maybe for good reason. You be the judge.
***** When I moved to L.A. it took over 6 weeks for my furniture to get across country. So for a month and a half I was sitting in an empty apartment, didn't know anyone...so I took up meditation. Trouble was that when my stuff finally showed up, I had transcended the need for material posessions.
"Here's your stuff, dude, where do you want it?"
"You keep it my son. I have no use for such---um, leave the TV".
****** My grandmother is a huge gambler. She loved playing the lottery and scratch tickets. She was a high roller at the 7 Eleven. All of her Malox was comp'ed.
***** And finally, this is one of the first jokes I ever wrote back in '93:
Have you seen the Salad Shooter? Apparently, you put elements of a salad into and it shoots it out of the machine. This would be great for people that had no arms and are thinking, "I'd really like to eat a salad...wayyyy over there."
That's all my time! Please tip your waitstaff and drive home safe everyone!
I'm still reeling and not quite sure how to process this...
I think my landlord farted on me.
It all started early in the morning as I was heading into the garage to get my car. We share a two car garage with the landlord (I live in a duplex) and he was just pulling in.
I let him pull in and exit the car as there's not a ton of space. He just bought a new Prius and he's very excited about it. Loves to talk about it. As he's exiting his car he says, "I love this car but taking care of it is like taking care of a little baby."
Not being a big "car guy" myself, I try to find some common ground and reveal:
"Yeah, I know what you mean. My girlfriend has one as well."
For some reason he seemed annoyed with this information and responded with, "Oh yeah? Well it's not like this one."
An odd response, to be sure, especially considering that he would ask her about her car everytime she would pull up to park on the street in front of their house.
I say, "I think Amber's is a year older or so but it's pretty much the same car."
"It's not green like this, though"
"Um, actually," I stammered just trying to get to my car to go get some breakfast, "it is green."
There was an awkward moment of us just standing there, staring at each other. I tried to break the tension by giving an awkward, lopsided smile when all of a sudden...
...it happened.
He turned around 180 and muttered (I'm still trying to get a clear call on what the actual words were) "so it's like that" or "how do you like that" and then farted. Loudly. And kept walking.
I was shocked, appalled and insulted. It actually hurt my feelings a little. Who does that? I really didn't know what to do at that point. Should I laugh? Should I fight him? I felt like a gentleman who was just slapped across the face with a glove.
"So it's like that."
From now on I'm making my roommate bring over the rent check.
For the first time since I moved to Los Angeles, I got to take in Knott's 'Scary' Farm. I've been a huge fan of Halloween ever since I was a little kid and I had an absolute blast.
We had a huge group of ten (Lazlo's amazing coat making it pretty much eleven) and hit the park right when it opened at 7:00. Apparently, they shut down Knott's Berry Farm for a few hours to make the transformation to the Halloween theme parked in the evening.
The place is pretty amazing with the entire park done up. They don't allow guests to wear any costumes, so all of the costumed creatures wandering around the park are employees. Good call, that, as I can imagine the nightmare of trying to ID a lineup of 13 Freddy Kreugers after your wallet was stolen.
There was this pretty elaborate stage presentation entitled "The Hanging". It was one of those theme park type stunt shows and at first I was apprehensive. I've been to more than a few of these types of shows and they can really end up being lame. This one, I'm happy to say, pleasantly surprised me.and it was one of the more impressive things I've seen in a long time. Actors were coming in and out of the stage at a breathtaking pace and the show was pretty funny. It contained more jokes and pop culture references than anything I've seen in a long time. Kind of like the movie Airplane with one joke on top of another on top of another. Parodies of Dick Cheney, Jay and Silent Bob, Capt. Jack Sparrow, Britney, Superman, the X-Men and finally the hanging of Mel Gibson. What shocked me about the show was that it was so overtly sexual and one of the most un-p.c. presentations I've ever seen. Stuff like Jack Sparrow's name being changed to "Jack Swallows...captain of the Black Pearl Necklace" as well as Mel's doppleganger calling one of the executioners "sugartits". Lots of dick, fart and gay jokes as thrown in with the pop culture and blood packs. Good times.
We got to take in some of the roller coasters as well with the X-celerator being my favorite. It's a 25 second trip in which you start off with an acceleration to 80 mph in TWO SECONDS. It was the most intense thing I've ever felt. My friend Kurtis (pictured behind Amber and I, below) made it about halfway through the line before calling it quits. He then had to make the walk of shame through the line back out the gate. For a 25 second roller coaster he will now have to endure a lifetime of grief from us. Poor dude.
There were about 6 or 7 haunted house type mazes, all with different themes. The Grudge was represented, a haunted high school, "Lost" Vegas as well as a few 3D mazes. I, for one, was confused at that concept since pretty much any maze would be in three dimensions if you were actually walking through it. I don't need 3D glasses to see my computer...but what the heck, in the spirit of the holiday I popped on the glasses and walked through like everyone else.
I can neither confirm nor deny that one of the haunted house guys jumped from the ceiling on a bungee chord and touched my head, causing me to jump out of my skin, emit a sound from my mouth not found in nature and forced my fists up ready to "go".
As my friend Todd said, "what happens in the maze stays in the maze."
I went back on the road, somewhat, this past weekend. My friend Dwayne Perkins called me up and asked if I wanted to go along with him to a gig. For some strange reason, I thought the gig was going to be in Northern California but it turned out to be in Mesquite, NV.
Mesquite is about 80 miles past Vegas...a post Vegas if you will. It seemed like the casino we performed at comprised the entire town. There didn't seem to much else there.
The show was good, though. An older crowd but they dug it. Being on the road again and having conversations about the artform of comedy with Dwayne really gave me the bug again to get out and do a lot more shows. I had kind of stepped back a little with it and the past few months I've been performing more and more.
Dwayne and I always have a great time when we work together and we've actually written a lot of material together (we used to be part of a regular, weekly workshop with Tim McIntire and few other comics). I've said it before but it bears repeating...if you haven't seen Dwayne perform, make an effort to do so. You'll be glad you did and can be one of the people to say "I saw him when..." when he blows up big.
I moved to Los Angeles in 2002 and after a few months of getting settled and finding my footing, I decided to get back into an acting class. A friend recommended the Dee Wallace Stone Studio in Burbank and the class sounded like something I would be very interested in. It's mix of spirituality and acting technique really spoke to me and my acting improved leaps and bounds. I studied with Dee ever since.
Now, as with most things, we've come to the end of the journey.
After ten years, Dee is closing the Studio down and for the first time in a long time, I'm not in an ongoing class. Once I got past the initial sadness and change to my routine, I find here is something very liberating about it all.
Most people know Dee as "the mom in E.T./Cujo...etc". She was also in Peter Jackson's The Frightners as well as a role in last year's ensemble sitcom Sons & Daughters. She has been a mentor and a good friend to me these past four years. She pushed me when I thought I couldn't go any further and encouraged me when I needed it. She routinely complimented my skills and shared my frustration in the fact that I'm not working nearly as much as I should be. She has helped me, recommended me and taught me. I will look fondly upon my time spent with her in the coming years and, when I finally do achieve the heights I know that I can, will thank her with every fiber of my being for helping me prepare for it.
She is a good friend and I'm happy that she is making this decision and focusing on herself and her career after a decade of focusing on her students'. I used to joke with Dee that she was my "West Coast Mom" and she told me that she always took that as the utmost compliment.
So while I'll miss the weekly ritual of going to the class and hanging with my friends, I feel secure in the knowing that this is right. I'm ready to move on to the next level.
What a week for fans of freedom and a person's right to decide what is good for him/herself.
First we had the infamous "Torture Bill" pass through the Senate. The bill states that the government has the right to use physical persuasion (i.e. torture people) that are suspected of being involved in terrorist activities.
That's all fine and good but the real issue is that this bill completely suspends Habeas Corpus, the basic foundation of our judicial system, at the whim of the President. He can indefinitely detain anyone who is considered an "enemy combatant" (a definition which has been upgraded to "anyone suspected of aiding and abetting a known terrorist") without charges or evidence. Presumably as long as he wants and no formal statement of why the person is considered an "enemy combatant" needs to be issued. Basically, the person just....disappears.
I'm pretty confidant that the Supreme Court will shoot this bill down but the implications are frightening. In a perfect world, we'd expect our government to use something like this in only the most extreme and dire circumstances but unfortunately, we've seen throughout history that the definition of dire circumstances loosens considerably when absolute power corrupts absolutely.
On a note a little closer to home for me, they snuck in a bill trying to ban online gaming. As an avid poker player I find this ludicrous. It's waiting to get signed by the President to become law and once in place, domestic banks and credit cards will not be allowed to deposit directly to gaming sites. What this means for third party companies (which is what I use) is uncertain.
I put this in the same category as people who want to take everything "offensive" out of entertainment. If you don't want to play Hold Em online, then don't. No one is making you. If your husband, wife, son or daughter are using your credit cards to play poker online then you have other problems than just the poker. It infuriates me.
OK, I'm going to go get a few hands in and cash out before my assets get frozen and I'm indefinitely detained for possession of a full house.
