One more blast from the past
People seemed to really dig my walk down memory lane with some older jokes I wrote. So I decided to present here, in it's entirety, the first bit I ever wrote and performed. Parts of it actually made their way into a few jokes I do now.
I was a huge Bill Cosby fan, as well as a Jake Johansen fan, and I wanted to do more storytelling. This bit ended up being about 3 minutes long (I'll try to reprint as much of it as I can from memory)...more than half of my 5 minute set. Great if it's cooking but not so much when it's not. Then, you're committed. Back then I didn't have the stage presence or confidence to just abandon a bit when it wasn't working, making a joke about it and moving on. Plus, what the hell else was I going to do? I had no other material.
I did well (or what I perceived as "well" back then) with it more times than I ate it. Those times I did eat it, though...oh good lord did I eat it hard.
Now, may I present, that longstanding classic...."Buying My Girlfriend Lingerie"
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I had to buy my girlfriend a present for Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day. It's such an exclusive holiday. If you don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend on Valentine's Day, it's like being a Jew on Christmas. There are no presents.
I asked my friend what to get my girlfriend for a gift and he said, "Girlfriend? I always thought you were gay?" I get that a lot. People say "you look gay". I don't think anyone can really "look gay". It's a stereotype and wrong. The only way you could say someone looks gay is if they are giving naked piggyback rides to their friend. Then you can say, "hmmm, that looks gay. That's a very gay look for him."
Then he suggested that I buy her lingerie. So I thought to myself, "Ullysses..."
(because that's what I like to call myself, sometimes).
"...that's not a bad idea." Really it's as much a gift for me as it is for her. It's the gift that keeps on giving.
I get to the mall and all of a sudden I realize that I'm too embarassed to go into the store to actually buy it. At least if it was condoms or tampons, I could conveniently mix it in with other items. With lingerie, there's no way to hide it. Everyone knows exactly what you're going in that store for.
So I end up making laps around the mall trying to get my courage up, as if I was some younger version of the geriatric mallwalkers. I made so many laps that people started coming out of stores holding cups of water that I grabbed and drank as I passed by.
I finally got the courage up and go in and buy something. I didn't even check the size. Just pointed and said "that'll do".
I got home, all proud of myself, and give her the gift. She looks at it for a few seconds and says, "this is unexpected...I always thought you were gay."
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I'm a little foggy on the ending but it was something like that. I know it ended with that callback as I thought I was extremely clever for doing so. Again, great if it works. If not...ouchie.
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