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Today marks the end of an era for me. My way of life as I have known it for the past year is coming to an end as we speak....
They are removing the Neilson ratings boxes from my televisions.
I don't even remember how I became a "Neilson family". My roommate just came home one day and told me that the Neilson people would be coming by later in the week to install the "black boxes" if we wanted to do it. So I figured, cool. And soon there would be an enormous upswing in ratings for Pro Wrestling and porn in the San Fernando Valley.
I never mentioned it much because I didn't think I was supposed, but now that our time as a ratings mogul has ended, I figured it's OK to let the cat out of the bag. There are a lot of myths associated with this ratings system, so let me dispel some:
* You don't get paid to be a Neilson Family (sounds so...cultish). You do get a small sum of money initially and then an even smaller sum 6 months later. But both payments together equal about one month of your cable bill.
* It doesn't record what it is that you're watching. It records the channel and time. And it's all logged automatically from boxes that are installed into your TV (and also monitor any other AUX inputs like DVD and gaming systems...again, they don't know what you are watching on DVD or playing in your PS2, but they know during this time on this day that's what you were doing).
** They don't pay for your cable or anything else. We tried that one to get them to pay for some premium channels. You know, so we would have a broader array of shows to choose from in order to more accurately disperse with the ratings. It looked good on paper anyways...
* It's kind of a pain in the ass. You have to log in everytime you change the channel and also after about 90 minutes of continuous viewing. Now logging in only means pressing the red OK button on the remote when you see the lights on the box flashing, but speaking as someone with about 4 remotes anyways, it just becomes annoying.
I probably should have parlayed my new toy into some acting work. Maybe walked around the CBS Radford lot letting casting directors know that I would probably watch Joey much more frequently if I was actually ON the show. OK, that's a lie. I wouldn't watch the show if I was Matt LeBlanc...but you get the idea.
So yes, you can blame me for keeping shows like UFC: The Ultimate Fighter, Entourage, Rescue Me, Arrested Development and Sunday Morning Shootout on the air. But I swear, I had NOTHING to do with the Family Guy getting renewed or any of that reality show crap. I swear!
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