Phrase most commonly searched to bring traffic to my site?
Let's see....
Comedy? No.
Comedian? Nope
John Keating? Um, no (although at least this one was second, thankfully.)
The correct answer, and by a runaway huge margin, is "monkey porn".
Yup. You read it right. Last night I ran a query on my site stats to see what searches done through sites like Google and Yahoo bring people to the site. Monkey porn it is.
I have a story on my Press & Stories page that tells a tale of my trip the Cleveland Zoo when I was working the Improv a few years back. And the title of said tale...you guessed it: Monkey Porn.
Apparently there is a huge fanbase for monkey porn out there, scouring the net for any vestiges of this delicacy that they can ferret out. And my site seems to be one of their destinations. Hey, glad to help any way I can.
So here are the two stories from the Cleveland Zoo, posted for your reading pleasure and to try to score a few extra hits to the site. Sure they come for the monkey porn, but they stay for the blog. That's how I get 'em!
This just in!!!: Here are the stats of number of requests:
1. monkey porn 1,159
2. john keating 584
Pretty much a 2:1 ratio of monkey porn vs. my name!!
Monkey Porn
Monkeys are vile and nasty creatures. Yes, they are cute and almost human in the mannerisms, but they are some stanky creatures.
At the Cleveland Zoo, they have a Rainforest Exhibit. One of the highlights of the exhibit is a huge monkey encasement. It is set up not unlike an Aztec temple...there are robes and branches adorning a stone temple and ledgings. Some of the monkeys were sitting quietly, others were engaged in a "King of the Hill" battle royale on one of the ledges. But one of the monkeys was sitting very close to the glass, munching quietly on a leaf. This is the hero of our story.....
As we were watching the monkeys go about their antics, we noticed the one in front was watching us as well. After a few minutes he, um...well, he "whips it out"!! And then starts pleasuring himself. And I'm not talking about just a little diddling...this was all out monkey porn!! He had one foot up on the glass and the other on a branch...a full "V" position. And he was yanking away as if he was trying to start a lawn mower! It was disgusting...it was offensive....and I still laugh my ass off everytime I think of it! I've got your Mighty Joe Young right here!!!
Crocodile Justice
Here's an interesting little tidbit that I found at the Cleveland Zoo...I found it amusing:
There once was a tribe in Africa that practiced "Crocodile Justice". If you were accused of a crime you would be forced to swim across a croc-infested river. If the crocs ate you, then you were guilty. If you made it across unscathed, not only were you deemed innocent, but your accuser also had to give you "2 cattle".
That's exactly how it was written..."2 cattle". I don't even think that's grammatically correct! But say you already had "1 cattle." You could feed the crocs before your swim, make it across and receive 2 cattle for the swim. You'd be up one cattle.
You gotta figure that "2 cattle" has to be worth about $2000 today. I think it would be worth the 2K to watch someone you hate swim the gauntlet.
I think I am going to try to incorporate the "2 cattle" monetary system into my everyday life. If that's the case, for my week in Cleveland, I received about the hoof of the cattle.
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